I read Man Up! a couple of years ago when I was pregnant with my first son. Now that I’ve had my second, I decided I should finally finish reading (well, listening to) Defending Boyhood. Written by Catholic author Anthony Esolen, Defending Boyhood describes what it is to be a boy, what parts of that are very good, and how to raise boys into men. In truth, Esolen’s book is clear that we must defend boyhood itself in order to raise young men. This book is for men, fathers, teachers, and men who wish to see boys grow into strong, disciplined men. It is also for mothers and women who want to see true men and less of well…whatever we have going on in our culture today. But this book isn’t just a push against the culture or a return to some vague time in the last several decades. No, this is a book on what shapes the heart and soul of a man that is timeless but starts in childhood, in boyhood.

One key aspect of this book that stuck out to me is that this is less of a “how-to” book but more of an expository “how-done” book. Esolen shows what manhood looks like through the examples found in stories, history, and personal models. Boys learn how to be men by learning from the lives of other men. But before they can be men, they have to be boys. Not girls, not something in between, but boys. But again, this isn’t a how-to book. It doesn’t list out a series of steps but rather shows the normal and good characteristics of boyhood and how that is the foundation of what will make them into men. Defending Boyhood also helps you to understand the mind of a man so that you can help raise your little boy to be that. I found this especially helpful as a mother, though I found that Man Up! had a more fleshed-out philosophy in this regard.

But Esolen still provides some helpful stories and images to see this in young boys. For example, consider a group of children playing on their own. Let’s say they are playing house. Boys and girls will play differently from each other. Where girls will find their dolls and care for their babies, boys will build a log cabin (or a fort), they will go fishing, and they will defend their “land.” They are not just different physically from the girls. The way they think, what they prioritize, and how they use their bodies will be different. While we must not allow them to be cruel, they should be tough and protective. While they need order, hierarchy, and rules, we must cultivate and allow that insatiable curiosity so that those instincts grow into a desire to fulfill needs.

Now, some people might read this book and say, “But what about…” and give some example of a thing a woman or girl does that is just as good, similar, or better. But this is not a book about women, good or bad. This is a book about boys. While Esolen does not want to discount girls and all the wonderful things that they are, he has carved out a space to show what it is to be a boy and to become a man. It is a man’s space in the form of a book. And why not? What makes a boy into a man is different from what makes a girl into a woman. Where our womanhood is carved onto our very bodies, boys need something different. Boys are initiated into men, my husband always says. Work, physicality, and feats of strength and achievement are part of the ceremony that makes a man.

There was so much about this book that I loved. For one, it helped me remember that I must be careful not to quash the boisterousness of my sons, encouraging them to be the thing God created them to be. For another, it gave me an appreciation for another couple of loves of mine: music and story. Esolen explains that men sing what they love and love what they sing, and I couldn’t help but think of the epic poems from around the world that focus on the great feats of men. The creature of man is nothing new. Not his character, his drive, nothing. We might try to reshape it, but we won’t make a new man. He just won’t be all that he could have been. But through story, through example, and through boyhood, our boys can be just that.

On one final note, Esolen is clear that there is one part of a man that is crucial for making him into a good man, and that is faith. Toward the end, he repeats this quote:

To neglect the training of any part of man is to develop a monstrosity.

A boy must be trained in body. His physicality is no small part of what he is, and so boys will build and explore and roughouse and help. A boy must be trained in mind. He must hear of his forefathers, learn from his father, and be allowed to explore and struggle and succeed. And a boy must be trained in his soul. He must have his heart molded by the morality of God, our Father, and his will shaped by God’s. Esolen’s book is most thorough and, though it is sure to cause some prickliness and steps on some toes, states most simply and directly that it is good for boys to be boys that we might raise them into men.

Blessings to you and yours,

~Madelyn Rose Craig