I am trusting Thee to guide me;
Thou alone shalt lead,
Ev’ry day and hour supplying
All my need.

I Am Trusting Thee, Lord Jesus

Last Sunday was our last Sunday at a church we have been at for three and a half years. It was a rough day for my family. I made it to communion before I started crying, and shortly thereafter we started singing this hymn. This, along with a verse in the announcements and the sermon, felt a little bit like irony. Here we were, about to be without a job and home church, being told to forget the past and just trust that it will all work out. I was already hurting from everything that had happened, and yet also relieved that it would soon be over. But in that moment, that hymn and the words felt like a step too much. A little too on the nose, though I doubt anyone else thought of it the way I did. I was hurt, angry, and a little bit afraid. What was going to happen now? And so I cried as we sang and finished the service.

That Sunday ended a season of our lives and started another one. It ended a series of lasts and marked the start of firsts. We have now entered a season balanced on freedom and uncertainty. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of it. This week, I let myself process all that had happened. I tried not to rehash the last few years. That only brings me anxiety now. But I knew this week and this month needed to be a season of healing. So I let myself process that hymn and some Scripture. I came to recognize two things: I am not in control of what is happening or is about to happen, and I never was.

Fun fact: I am a person who likes spoilers. I know that might rub some people the wrong way, but I do. I get it from my mom. I think she might have spoiled for herself almost every movie she has ever watched, and probably a few books. I usually try to leave some for suspense, but I love to know what is going to happen. I love the story! Sometimes things just get so intense that I need to know what will happen next. In some cases, I need to know my beloved characters will be okay, because sometimes, they are not. And so, I will often read little tidbits online, watch every trailer, and even skip ahead a few pages just so I can prepare for what is going to happen. As I say to some people, “I gots to know!”

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), we cannot do that in real life. We cannot skip ahead and rewind. We cannot know what is going to happen next. Despite how much “I gots to know” and no matter how intense things get, I cannot know what is about to happen next. I need to know we’ll be okay, and right now, I don’t. And that leads to that out of control feeling. And we cannot be in complete control of our lives. We try. Oh yes, we certainly try. We plan, and prepare, and grasp hold of every little thing that gives us some semblance of control. But in reality, we are not the only ones influencing our lives, and we hardly in control.

So what other forms of control can we grasp? Besides spoiling stories for myself, I habitually clean. If I can’t control my life, I can at least control the space I’m in, right? (I have a toddler and an infant. I’ll let you figure that one out) I also have a bad relationship with food, going back and forth between eating every chocolate thing I can find to avoiding all food altogether. Because I can at least control what I eat, right? (No, my hunger will eventually get the best of me, and that pattern really sounds like I’m in control, doesn’t it?) And no matter the best-laid plans, life happens. Worse, we have to deal with other sinful people who hurt us and wrong us. And sometimes, there is nothing you can do but roll with the punches and see where you land.

That is how I feel right now. I’ve sort of landed, but I’m still a little unsteady. I’m not sure where my next step is. For someone who likes to know the ending, I’m in a place where I don’t even know the next chapter. That brings me back to that verse above. “I Am Trusting Thee, Lord Jesus.” Trust is hard. Another word for it is faith. So what do I have faith in? I certainly don’t have faith in some people who were supposed to be my church family. They have let me down, as all people do. We are fallen creatures. I don’t really even have faith in myself. Because at the end of the day, I have realized that I don’t have all the answers, and I’m certainly not in control. Instead, I am trusting in the Lord to guide me, care for me, and comfort me.

There are a lot of verses people go to in these times. Here are a few that come to mind:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

   He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

    He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

    for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

    I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

    your rod and your staff,

    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

There are obviously more that I could point to. There are many about anxiety, not fearing, and trusting in the promises of God. And I know you will look at these verses and notice that they are all majorly taken out of context. One verse is Jeremiah talking to the Exiles. I get that. But these are ones that most people consistently go back to. I share them for this purpose: they are all true. The Lord does have plans for us, He does lead us as the Good Shepherd, He does care for us more than sparrows, and He is working things for good according to His purpose. But we might not always see it at the moment. A lot of bad things happen in this world. And yet, God can and does work good through it. My husband often puts it this way: We can’t always see where the Lord is leading us, but we can always look back and see His hand in history. That doesn’t make the bad thing any less bad or hurtful. Wrongdoing still happens, and sin is still sin. We pay the price for that. But God’s purpose and will remain. His steadfast love endures forever. This is why we ask that the Lord’s will be done among us. Furthermore, we must trust in God and in His promises. He will not fail us because He is good and love and faithful.

We have recently been having my daughter listen to Sing the Faith from CPH. Each song is part of the Small Catechism put to music. After listening to it for a couple of weeks, I now have the first commandment song regularly stuck in my head. But this is a good thing. For what does this mean? I now am hourly reminded that

We should fear, love, and trust in God above all things.

I am trusting in God, but I am also still hurting from these past few years. I will still need much more time for healing. What has happened was very wrong, but that doesn’t mean that God has not been caring for us. In fact, when I take a moment to get past my anger and my grief, I can stop and be thankful in all the many ways the Lord has blessed us. Not to mention how He daily sustains us! And I still don’t know what will happen in the days, weeks, and months ahead. I’m not in control of the future. But as I mentioned before, I was reminded this week that I never was in control. And that’s ok. It’s a good thing! Thank God I am not in control! Recognizing this is a comfort. Because I was never in control in the past. Despite all the pain and wrongdoing, God still was caring for us through it all. And I trust in His promises to continue to do the same in our future, even if I don’t know what that will look like.

These are all the things I’ve pondered this week. Instead of feeling overly anxious, for the first time in months, I’ve started to feel at peace. I’ve begun to better understand how wonderful it is that we rest on God’s grace and love. I am not leaning on what I know or understand or see, or myself. I rely on my ever-present God who cares for me. I’m still not sure what is coming next, or how, or when. I’m really not even sure exactly why all of this is even happening! That is all worrisome. But I am at peace because of the God of all peace and comfort who provides for me my daily bread, who I am fearing, loving, and trusting in above all things with His help.

I am trusting Thee to guide me;
Thou alone shalt lead,
Ev’ry day and hour supplying
All my need.

I Am Trusting Thee, Lord Jesus

Blessings to you and yours,

~Madelyn Rose Craig