I’m tired today. I can’t tell if I am more physically tired or emotionally tired. The last couple of weeks have brought a whirlwind of news, decisions, and changes that just seem like a little too much at once. In addition, this baby is coming soon, my toddler is in the middle of potty training, and I’m starting to box up or remove things that made this house feel more like a home. Maybe today it’s getting to me because I only have a week left, or I was hoping to have had more writing done by now, or maybe it was the early wake-up and the feeling unwell last night. Maybe it’s just the chaos that’s surrounding me. I’m just tired.
In these times, it’s actually difficult for me to rest. I just want to move to keep my mind busy. Maybe if I just clean a little more, my life will feel less chaotic. Maybe if I organize a little more, I’ll have less to do in the next couple of months. Maybe if I just DO SOMETHING, I won’t have time to dwell on all that’s about to happen or all that has already happened. I just need to keep moving, and for a few minutes or hours, I can avoid the pain in my heart and my exhaustion.
But I can’t do this forever. I have to actually stop. And as I’ve realized today, I can’t do it for very long at all. I can’t go up and down the stairs without needing to catch my breath. I can’t stand without pain. I can’t avoid this mental and emotional turmoil or dwell on it. I’m overwhelmed, and I can’t take care of everything. I have limits – emotional and physical – and I feel like I’ve just about met them both.
In moments like this, I am glad that I have a family to lean on. I’m happy that I have a dog that seems to know when I just need her nearby. I’m glad I have a daughter that likes to cuddle in the afternoons. I love that I have a husband to help and support me. And I’m thankful that I have a God who is my strength and my shield, my ever-present help in times of trouble. I’ve faced this kind of emotional turmoil before. It used to lead me to consuming despair. But I’ve learned over the years that I can’t rely on my own strength – emotional or physical. I am weak in all ways, including spiritually. Thankfully, despite my efforts, I don’t have to rely on me.
These challenges, these decisions, these things that are weighing me down, they are a lot right now. But I don’t have to do this alone because I am never alone. I don’t have to rely on myself. And in moments like these, when I am just exhausted beyond belief, I am glad that I can take comfort, rest, and strength in my Father’s arms. I’m still tired, and these things still happened or are coming at me, but my soul finds rest in God alone, and there is peace in that.
Blessings to you and yours
~Madelyn Rose Craig